New Year Resolution!

I miss the time when I could fit into any piece of cloth I picked up! T.T Growing bigger by the day. By the day you know! Today when I went to Tropicana City Mall thinking of getting some air I became even more depressed when I look like shit in those pretty clothes!

I must put a stop to this. Must not let fyp make me continue eating like a pig. I'm officially going on a diet. Do not stop me.

I am going to jog every day. My new year resolution. To get back in shape. Yes, I will make that my resolution from now on. Freezing gym membership does not give me an excuse not to exercise. FYP only ma, why am I getting fat for stupid reasons??!

I miss my body and also days of classes at the gym T.T I am not going to let FYP destroy my life.

Seriously..

It's time I start doing things for my and only my own good. This semester I have learnt so much, all in the past could not beat. Dealing with people especially, difficult people. There is no such thing as the soft way.

With these people, you can only be demanding and inhumane. From now on, whatever file they want to give me I won't edit. They will have to edit and tell me it's reasonable for the report. I am not doing crap work for them. Whichever version of hysys they want to hand in, it's not my problem either. Even if the fyp won't turn out as good as I want it to be, I don't care! I know I what I am capable of and that's more than enough.

Acting smart and then after that sounding so fucking kesian like : once you change something I won't be able to explain to Dr Dominic. Of course you can't explain la. You don't know anything about the plant! And you want to act like you know! Yeah you managed to figure out extractive columns, big deal... I will never ever be nice anymore. I will only do things that benefit me from now on.

why

why do i feel so sad when you told me that you're happy now?

Milestone

Yet another milestone today! PSD presentation went quite well despite having no solution and mis interpreting Dr Irene's journal. Got shot by other groups but we got back up from the pros themselves.

Here's to more milestones!

Am quite worried over something. Sigh.

Ants Also So Interesting...

jian-wan says:

attacks the ants!!!

dollee says:

got so mnay!

many!

keep coming

i kena gigit duno how many biji d

jian-wan says:

ants only wo

not mosquito wo

dollee says:

yeawor

wana spray ridsect f

d

jian-wan says:

sapu honey la

attract them and trap them there

dollee says:

lol..

jian-wan says:

not sapu honey on yourself ok, sapu on the corner of the room

dollee says:

hahaha..i'm not dat blur yet

jian-wan says:

how i know

later you sapu on yourself edi, then complain more bites

dollee says:

lol

wun use honey

cuz later need to wipe one

spray only

den all takut one

den lari

jian-wan says:

yala wait la for few hours then wipe

no la

ants are fearless

but they are not stuckless

dollee says:

wat is stuckles??

stuckless!hahahah

apa itu??

ooooooo

u mean they will stick to the honey...

jian-wan says:

means they can stuck on honey

hahahhaha

still say not blur

dollee says:

lol

where got dis word one?!

sendiri simply

jian-wan says:

hahahah, memang pun

dollee says:

actually the ants wun be dat stupid la

jian-wan says:

hey, you haven try also

dollee says:

dun..later more ants only

surrounding the pool of honey

they only get stuck on those plastic with the tape one..

jian-wan says:

hahahaha, then senang la, sapu sekali gus

dollee says:

cuz try to get in then stick there

lol

jian-wan says:

then put tape around the honey loh

dollee says:

loL

so much effort

malas la

jian-wan says:

what to do, and you think very easy to con ants ah

dollee says:

hahaha..ur si q wont work la

u know ar..sometimes i buy food right

den i scared got ants..so i put on top of the water dispenser la

hot water..

jian-wan says:

LOL

dollee says:

den the ants dont go there leh

their feet cannot tahan panas

jian-wan says:

LOL

i din know you analyse ants

dollee says:

lol

they always rebut food with me

jian-wan says:

thats why buy edi, terus telan la

dollee says:

aiya sometimes cant habis/wana keep first

eh but u should do that

works

i put that dragon ball box la

den everytime i eat ar, still hot!!

like from the oven

so nice

jian-wan says:

dragon ball box?

dollee says:

u know tao sa pia..penang one

jian-wan says:

ya ya

oh, you actually keep the box after finishing those balls?

dollee says:

NOLA..

i wana keep them out from the ants

finish throw la

=.=

random cuz i'm bored

music is my lullaby..

when i can't sleep at night, i put on my earphone and slowly i'll drift to sleep..

when i my mind is all over the place, i play something on youtube and i can zoom in on what i'm suppose to be doing immediately.. it's like music connects some loose wires in my brains or something..

when i have a presentation in uni, i just enjoy the radio during my ride to uni and i won't be nervous..

without music, the world would be such a bleak place..

If you could only see..

From my 911 project that you stayed up for,

to the flow sheet that's before my eyes now,

do you want me to do more?

If only I could show you all of it,

If only I could tell you what's going on in every unit,

I wouldn't mind at all:

Is that a column or..?

I will answer with so much energy,

I will tell you I have no strategy,

but you would still be proud of me anyways,

you will tell me it pays,

to put in so many days.

I would show you the simulation,

one last year stays an imagination,

I want to tell you how I have managed,

to wipe the hysys image,

and made it my stage..

I have so much to tell,

I need so much advice,

I want to yell,

they'll just come out as cries.

I am nobody to the crowd,

but I want you to be proud..

for me to continue on this route..

Memories?

Someone's pm on msn said: memories can be embellished or denied. Couldn't agree more..

Memories can be denied. In other words, memories are just what you want them to be.

happy birthday

gosh i miss this girl so much.. miss the times when we were crazily dieting together, doing all the crazy stuff that only she will do with me..

hope you like this small gift..no guess bag this year la..for the real present, you'll have to come back here to get from me :P very fast one la! just hang in there ok..

oh ya you know i downloaded mj's you're not alone for this slide only to realize i can't upload it to the slide..huhu..but this song also very best!

but i'm also sending it to you so u off the music and play that la ok..if you wana cry..wahahaha...

happy birthday! enjoy urself..i got loads to tell you!

Sunday morning

Am in a much much better mood today.

Slept early and woke up to a beautiful Sunday :)

So many unanswered questions in my mind. That day I was talking to ssy, she said that smart people tend to think too much, making them bad at relationships.

Another person I know said that people who study too much tend to be single.

I think it's not because these said people are overcautious or afraid, it's just because they are too focused on other achievements, like career, studies, etc.

Relationships are not easy. Having problems in a relationship and having doubts about your partner and also waiting for a reply that you want is the most annoying feeling in the world. When you don't get the reply that you expected, your mood is affected. When it is affected, there's pretty much nothing else you can focus on.

I don't know, I think I have grown into a person who do not want my mood to be affected because of the above, because now, no matter how bad I feel, it is just not as bad as feeling the above. Haha..

When I look at the happy couples, I just have that "fill in the blank" pang. It's not jealousy, I can't describe how what it is. I just absorb and observe the stuff that makes a relationship last and I know I have a lot to learn.

unwell

feeling unwell. i'm not taking this stress quite well. feeling totally off. i need a break.

i think i have reached the limit. can't push myself any further. i think i might just collapse.

totally unwell. all i can remember doing for the past 9 weeks was work and staring at the computer screen.

totally deprived of all other activities. mind is always a mix of all the courseworks and fyp stuff. i don't think it's very healthy.

what should i do? i can't put it down. even though my mind is starting to:(

Hello Kitty

Yippie! I'm getting a kitty cat for my birthday.. a real one XD

Life is not so bad after all.

:)

sien la

had a great jog with Kutu this morning. needed some fresh air badly. and it was good for me indeed. i could concentrate in APC today even though i got up real early. and i am still up now. though feeling a little fatigue. i completely don't want to do work!

other than fresh air, the jog did not serve any purpose cuz in the afternoon yy and i went and eat in pizza hut. the new pizza with the tempura on top and mini cheese crust. not nice! the mayo combination with the rest was bad. i think it would be nicer without mayo.

then we came back to my house to do psd. the fun ends right about there. we were making all sorts of tantrum-ous noice. i hate this! saw fun's manchester's pics. how i wish i could travel now. sighs. long long way to go.

why??????????? T.T

if you ask me

if you ask me what regrets do i have till this stage? i have none.

if you ask me if i knew this was what we had to go through, would i still choose this path? a big NO.

if you ask me what are my goals now? to get this over and done with. not even caring how i'll answer in the interview.

if you ask me what do i want to do now? anything other than work!

it wasn't until today that i believe i have lost you completely. i guess i was stupid all along.

GO TO HELL

*post taken out* she apologized

Sial Betul

So sial today. Don't know where all this sialness came from.

Slept early last night cuz I just couldn't stay up even though my control cw was far from done.

Went to the dentist in the morning cuz all four of my wisdom teeth are giving me so much pain and only came back to continue work at 12.

Do do do and then the next thing I looked at the clock..4:00PM! I started panicking and when I thought I could send to ssy to print, my internet was down!

So I sped and got to uni in a record breaking time of 10mins! And by the way, it was raining.

We continued with PSD coursework after dinner and guess what, my fuel tank started blinking when I was leaving tts cuz I did not bother to fuel up as I was speeding to uni. I was dead scared! What if my car just stopped moving in the middle of the dark Broga road?

Babi betul. And I heard something today regarding a girl in a relationship with a guy who is not happy that her guy is so close to me. They are both in my class. It's so ridiculous. She said she'll let him choose who he wants. But the fact is there is totally nothing between us! Never crossed my mind, ever! SWt..

Will remember this day for the rest of my life.

FML

I never know what this stands for till today when wwh them use it. FML.

Drained. Exhausted. These are the only words that can describe how I feel now. Numb to all this madness. When we're recovering from a coursework and moving on in life, another one pops up.

Unable to pay attention in class.

It's been raining for few days. No sunshine can be very depressing. Hate my life now.

:X

now they are asking me for work to do! gods.. go do la do la do all the stupid write ups la. stop bugging me doing mass balance!

they're happy with write ups so far. fuiyo open mail got their review already. if i ask for reactor info, till next year i won't get it!

i'm not becoming a meany, but c'mon! why do you take MEng? I'm asking the same question to myself but in a different way to you!

holiday

i want a holiday! told yy that we should start planning our graduation trip already so that we have something to look forward to.

where to go? i want to go to the UK! or Australia..or Bali.. Near one i want to go to pulaus!

should i take a short break or jump straight to work?

i wanna go somewhere! anywhere! And I want to watch 2012!

this is my cousin's PM: despite it all, i still don't know what love is. i only guess it could be good for me. but if it's good, why is it so painful? so..

OPTIMISTIC

When this is all over, I will get whatever I want. I am sure of it.

Now, I will try to be optimistic. A great piece of advice from a friend. Whatever they want to do with their life, it's none of my business. They want easy stuff, I'll sardine can them with easy stuff!

I hate clerical work anyway. Looking forward to December, when I am rid of this 'group' thingy and when I can take a short break:)

Just noticed my cousin's PM. She's growing up fast but falling in love? never thought that could happen! at least not so soon. lol. Missing everyone now..Hazel, Sushi..everyone!

SIGH

Have I ride out the storm? No, not likely. Looking at the amount of things that needs to be done, we're far from done.

What's the point of all this? I don't even feel like being an engineer now. Stressful shit.

had enough

finally had enough! i have never lost my patience like this before. too much, just too much! taking things for granted.

today's meeting went well. i think they pretty much know how things work now. we'll see how it goes.

thanks to a friend who have stood by me since foundation time. glad to know him, he's always the one who's there through my thick and thin. i would have given up if it wasn't for him. a good friend indeed. someone who told me to be a bitch :P

all smiles

thank you to the clowns. you made me smile :)

saw eric's girlfriend's blog. the two lovebirds, tak boleh tahan. hahaha. reminds me so much of me four years back. hahahaha. okla i want to dedicate that song to the lovebirds la. perfect for them. his smiles are engraved on his face.

back to work! turbo turbo mode! hohoho..

hope he sees my effort.

as helpless as i am, i am not ready to give up.

am i?

take a break from fyp.

there's more to life than fyp.

wow i didn't realize it was an option.

i'm loving the idea. am i giving up?

stop

i hope time could just stand still. completely still. and show a little mercy.

things ain't going smoothly and i don't know where to turn to.

Slowly but surely

If I get 1st class I don't have to pay back PTPTN! That's such a big motivator. I want it so badly now!

It's been hell, but everyone's been telling me, hang in there for 6 more months. Yeap I'm gonna do just that.

Never Stop Coming

No more freedom for the next 20 weeks or so....

Tensed days, no sleep nights, why did I throw myself into this? The horror..

Weekends, outings, the feeling of wanting to go so badly due to the stress is overcome by the feeling of guilty causing the stress to grow.. argh...

Of course other than technical knowledge, what have been growing by leaps and bounds are the real human nature, true colors of people. This is the basic survival knowledge, that humans are just pure selfish, there's no other way of expressing it.

Luckily I have opened my eyes wide enough to see that.

Madness

Meet Sushi!

This is the latest addition to the animal family in my cousin's. Source: unknown. One day my aunt's worker just pop up at the house with this little puppy saying that he found her and the only place that he thought of was my cousin's. lol. I should do that next time.

This is Hazel..

The next Mimi. Mimi is this cat we had years ago which we missed so much that she just keep appearing in our conversations. Hazel is equally manja, equally cunning, equally lovable! She was thought be 'pregnant' for quite awhile but the bump on her belly never got smaller till recently. She delivered few days ago cuz she became so skinny all of a sudden. But no sight of the kittens. Weird. It's like she's hiding the babies from us. But her 'husband' lingers around the house and eats her food. lol.

Hamster #1

Forgot what's his name. There used to be a pair till they were let loose and #2 never came back. Lol.

This is the story of the animals in the household, updated when I visited few days ago.

One day when I'm free of all this yr4 madness, I'll scan a picture of Mimi. I have it on my wall in my room.

Been spending a lot of time in uni. Finally submitted PSD coursework today and we went and celebrate in Old Town, before starting on Controls. Thank you SSY and YY for being such good group mates and friends. Other than work, we had a lot of good fun laughs and chatty lunch and dinner sessions.

Got back at 7pm. Courseworks are not that bad when you do them together. Confidence's back, and I'm back on track :>

Break

Had a good breakfast today with the girls and Frank in Broga today. I ffk them to climb the hill cuz I needed precious sleep. The hill is now officially a tourist spot. Whole front part of the plantation covered with vehicles. And not only that, cars lined up along the road to Broga. They come in droves! Kinda feel sad because one day it's going to become dirty and not so special anymore.

The rest of the day did not stop getting better. Movie and Sakae Sushi. Today was the break I needed. I have tonnes on hand but I just want a comma for one day.

FYP title is out! I know my groupmates and supervisor. When WWH called me to tell me, I freaked out. It's such a big deal. It really shows things have a way of going around. The more you do not want someone, the more likely you're going to end up with. Well, you can't have everything. In a way, this is a challenge for me.

Full stop is 21 weeks from now. That's so so short.

How Now

One coursework by this Sunday, one by next Thursday, and presentation on that day! And our FYP title isn't even out yet! How are we going to do it?? Determination is one thing, having the capability, physically, mentally and emotionally to do it is another thing altogether. Really.

Lost on a one-way street in the world of advanced everything. And sped up everything.

My Yesterday

Today's sms was rare and priceless!

Today's lunch with Dr Andy too!

And today's work with hysys three!

Today had no flaws:)

Only after :) I realized today had already turned into yesterday.

I am not

I am not.

I am not trying to impress anyone.

I am not a perfectionist.

I am not a spare.

I am not superhuman, I don't know everything.

I am human, I need a break too.

I am not an angel.

I am not as blessed to have found the one.

I am not playing with fire.

I am not lonely.

I am not you.

I am nice but I have my limits. Don't sound as if you care so much.

Don't sound as if I am not allowed to make a mistake.

Till now, I stand strong on what I felt, or as in your words, what I was convinced to believe.

I am just living my life.

Deep breath....

Stumped with our first coursework. Due two weeks from now. And it's a huge scale one. And then there is the (*&$^#*&$^ CFD coursework. MEng is really not easy.

It's sink or swim from now on...

Anything I'm Not

Lenka

I will never be, I will never be tall, no
And I will never be, never ever be sure of it all
Oh, why is the world so cruel to me
When all, all I ever want to be is anything I'm not

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
I'm not

I will never be, I will never be you, no
I will always be, I will always be me, that I know
But oh, even though I'm happy being me
I want to get away from all this harsh reality, oh

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not

Yeah, gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Oh, anything I'm not

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not

Yeah, gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not

WHY

What is almost as bad as eating dog meat?

Getting a dog and tying her to a tree/caging her! That's what neighbors two o'clock from my house does to their two dogs. There was one public holiday when they were not around (back to hometown I suppose), I saw a puppy (a lil bit bigger than a chihuahua) being left in a cage where she can sit and stand and nothing else, while I was jogging.

And just now, when I went jogging, I saw another, but the size of an average puppy, chained to a tree! I went close to her and she jumped as if in joy! She wanted to play! It wasn't like she had infectious skin disease or anything. If she had a disease it must be internal, cuz she looked perfectly fine, and cute, with those pitiful eyes.

Then a little boy on his bicycle also came round. I asked him whose dog that was (in mandarin, wohoo!) and guess what, she belongs to the said neighbor! You can't even treat your dog right and there you go getting another one and then doing the same to her. This is where any non-dog-meat-eating person would go fuck fuck fuck.

I'd understand if you made one little mistake by getting a dog because she's oh so adorable without realizing that your house does not have space for one extra dog. But why do you repeat the same mistake? WHY?

This Week

Phew..I am home! This has been an interesting week! And tiring! Fluent CFD Workshop today demotivated us. I need anti depressants too! We are wondering why they make us take this instead of making advanced hysys compulsory which will be more of use to us.

Aside from the prospect of a looming workload and many sleepless nights, the company in uni had been great. Don't know if things will change when we finally get our fyp titles, but I like how things are now. A smaller class also means we get full attention from our lecturers.

But after a long day at uni, I like to be home! They told me I am so lucky that I can come home everyday. I think so too. My own workstation, my bed, my breakfast bowl, my kiwis, and a new couch where I can place my laptop on the side. There's no place like home.

Honeymoon's about over for us. We didn't have honeymoon to begin with, with the lecturers talking till our faces 'contour in agony'! I like our Fluent 2nd year phD teacher! He's funny! He'll make a brilliant lecturer. Why is 'honeymoon's over' used to indicate hard times ahead? Does it mean that after marriage, once honeymoon's over, reality sets in?

My All

I don't know where things will be led to. But I'm just gonna give my one best shot.

First Day of School

Today was fun. Started off with Interfacial Chemistry with a bunch of (quote) ignorant (unquote) year two students. I was sitting way at the back so I could hear what they were talking. They think they are geniuses and didn't layan Ms Lim at all and were making fun of her jokes, her attempt to get them interested. Poor Ms Lim. I thought in year two we grow out of being so. Ms Lim is so nice I don't see how they can treat her that way.

Then it was Air Pollution, followed by CFD. Air Pollution, won't look forward to it. Had enough of it for R&D last semester. I hope he talks more about technology than air pollutants. Seriously, I will skip class if today's lessons reflect what's to come. CFD, other than the fur on Sully in Monsters, Inc., everything else wasn't that interesting. The whole time he was just scaring the Mechanical students into not taking the module. And we were suppose to just ignore all of that because it's compulsory for us. -___-

Lunch at broga. Again wrong order. The aunty always give me the wrong thing! But as always they greeted me cheerfully, which made my day. After lunch we played badminton for one hour or so before the foundation or year 1 people took over the courts. But that was fun:) Overall, I would say today was not that bad.

Tomorrow.

I miss that moment everyday.

I don't know if I'll have moments like that ever again.

But that was a lasting moment.

And I am putting it aside for this:

The start of the final lap tomorrow. It'll be a wild ride!

Weee..

Had a long chat with the girls just now. We talked about everything from quarter life crisis to interracial marriage. It's funny how you feel so comfortable opening up to people you had recently got really close with. They don't have everything planned out, but they do know what they want and they stick with it.

There are the girls with very interesting careers and stories to share. They have been through the uni years and the working life. They are so similar in the sense that they are so independent and confident. But they are not arrogant. Very down to earth girls next door. They would love a family but they would prefer to work than to be stay at home mums. They are like the person I see myself growing into in a few years time.

One of the girls is engaged and is getting married in December. I feel so happy for her, like I would for a best friend I have known for years. A church wedding, that'll be new for me. Looking forward to it!

And we can talk for eons just about cats! I want to go on and on about them but I think we get the picture already. Strength, admiration, and all that, I can't describe just how much I feel thankful to know them.

If I hit rock bottom next semester, I'll know who to look for. And I really hope I won't.

Everybody needs a little direction every now and then.

Thank you GWM. For giving back my confidence!

In Awe

The girls, when I see them, when I listen to what they have to say, I see balance. They've got everything, and they make it look so easy. They like to work because they have passion. They know so much. They read. They love pets. They enjoy the simple life. They are educated and financially free. They excel in their field. They travel. I look up to them.

They are exactly who I will strive to be.

And they are adventurous. Mount KK, not for me yet, though I would love to see the sunrise from there -.-

My Myvi:)

Now I believe in the law of attraction. I've always secretly wanted myvi but never said anything because I have a fully functioning car which has brought me places and never failed me (except once when the tyres went flat in the morning of an exam paper). I find pleasures in washing and vaccuming it myself, when I am not lazy.

But who's to know, after a long thought, my mum decided to persevere to learn driving. She's doing a whole lot better now, not so clumsy. And I'm landed with a Myvi. Brand new, with body kit and airbags. Color? My choice. After all those years of wishing, without even trying, I got the car that I wanted. Maybe it's just pure luck.

It got me thinking.

It got me thinking. I'm not even going to talk about myself.

I tried to put myself in all their shoes and what I got weren't any better. But they really got me thinking.

The jammed up roads of Chow Kit. With two frustrated passengers. But hey I'm won't talk about the passengers, because nothing will come out of it. Everything that happened was beyond their control.

Cab driver, has a daughter from an interracial marriage. A beautiful five to six year old, ever so proud to follow her dad on his last call of duty of the day. A duty to grab the last piece of meat to put on the table even though he was not sure of the way to the clients' destination. A decision otherwise unaffecting him on normal situations, he regretted making for today as it was a matter of life and death.

If his daughter wasn't in the cab, the client would just think he was extremely selfish and greedy. Anyone could see why. Taxi driver, isn't the most enviable job in the world. But his daughter looks up to him and wouldn't want to be any place other than in that taxi with her dad at that moment. The only person in the world who does not squirm at his reckless driving, who does not easily get impatient with him.

But like I said, he didn't have to feel guilty because there is nothing the fingers can point at. Not the terrible jam in KL, because it happens everyday. Today is just one everyday. Not the location. It was the nearest from the clients' now late grandpa and dad in law's place. And never the cab driver. He got them there, just not in time.

Moving on to the aforesaid client's aunt. Wow, first a brother and now a father, after just barely two years. Lucky for her, she has an extremely supportive husband and together they are a successful couple. He was with her the whole time, making sure every thing was dealt with. What if this was not the case?

This is the reality. When you become someone's other half, you literally become his/her other half. Agreeing to be in a relationship is more than just to show on facebook status. It's being there when she needs you the most. Why think so much, as long you're happy in the present la! This has been proven wrong time and again, because present can be gone before you know it and reality sets in. The question is, will you still be there? Him not being there for the otherwise happy family caused a chain reaction carried forward to the next generations. The awkwardness between siblings of different biological mothers.

Then there is those not present. If I were to put myself in their shoes, I think I would just burst into pieces.

One minute you're playing fishing, the next you're standing in a morgue. The f word would probably end it just nice.

Breakfast

Just back from breakfast of pan mee and steamed nutri bread in Broga. Toast tastes 1000 times better. The aunty thought I wanted steamed.

Everything is still the same, except that the traffic lights at the junction outside TTS have commenced operation. Stretch of cars at the side along the road near the rabbit farm, belonging to people commercialising Broga Hill. Them in their sweat laden tees and black track pants carrying their huge ass camera into the 'xiao zhan' to have a feast after their climb.

Lots of memories there and they are all good. I want to keep them at that. I have come to love my uni so much after 4 years. A boiling pot of agony, frustrations and stress in the midst of exams and deadlines set against a background of good natured people leading a simple life who could only guess what happens behind the walls of the former.

A year more to go in this wonderful place. I want to make full use of it!

Merdeka

1Malaysia has already been achieved if you ask me. Only among the people that is, excluding some intolerant parties who never think things through before acting. Other than these immature people, by and large, Malaysians especially the young, educated, and the working generation have no qualms being one. In fact they are proud to be.

Instead of promoting perpaduan, commercials and films this year focus on the perpaduan that we already have and keeping it that way. I personally like the ABC commercial by Maybank, very unique and different from the usual balik kampung, gotong royong kind of adverts. As for 15Malaysia, I think 'Lumpur' best depicts the current Malaysia. It's the politicians who are not practising what they preach. We don't need to be told.

Everyone is racist, no matter how we try to deny it. That's because we are born that way. We are born to believe that our race is the best, and when this belief is challenged, we feel threatened. But it is not a negative thing. If really we are the best, why afraid of healthy competition? I have best friends whom I had the best teen year with and they are not chinese. And we are as close as ever. Uni years did not destroy this friendship because of our efforts in keeping it alive.

Our beloved leaders should not make every issue into a racial one to shift our attention and cause disharmony among immature parties. They should realize that brain drain does not happen because the people can't live with other religion but because they are unhappy with their administration. Making public transportations efficient, tackling h1n1, revising the education system should be their focus, not promoting unity.

DONE!

"Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be

Can't go far but you can always dream"

Starscope

You look around and decide it is time to make some new beginnings.

The movie made me cry like a baby, especially this part.

Butterfly Fly Away

Miley Cyrus

You tuck me in,
Turn out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry hold on tight.
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly Fly Away
Butterfly Fly Away (butterfly fly away)

Flap your wing now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true
Butterfly Fly Away (butterfly fly away)
We been waiting for this day
All along and know just what to do
Butterfly,
Butterfly,
Butterfly,
Butterfly Fly Away

(Butterfly Fly Away)

(Butterfly Fly Away)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before I Call it a Day

Take a look at me,

tell what do you see?

Never been more free.

In here, it's crazy.

I turn around

and you're gone

without a sound

goodnight till morn'

Loneliness is dangerous,

only if you're adventurous,

should you be rigorous,

i'm saying bye to the curse.

All over,

willpower,

be strong as ever,

to get an answer.

Dollee

20% Done

THE puzzle. Mickey and Minnie in panoramic ......... hehe..

Bye Bye Lab

Argh, the smell of the gloves used in the lab is permanent on my palms! It's like the latex seep into my skin or something. No matter how many times I wash, I still smell it =.=

I know the truth and somehow it hurts. I lost something before I even know it. But it's alright. I want to look forward.

One month to bum. It's all going to be fine after all. I will be fine.

Revamp

I enjoyed The Proposal so much I wished it didn't have to end. The movie is just so romantic. I know it probably doesn't happen in real life, but it's still good to watch. A good one hour and a half of dreaming. Andrew is just too ideal and no such guys exist, because nobody's perfect.

It's been a good one a half months. My mind has been opened up a lot lately. To see that that was how I viewed things before, I was so naive. The people around me, and the bout of events, me falling sick twice made me realize that all I had been receiving up till now was unconditional love. Only I was too oblivious to see that. I was too busy caring for how I feel without thinking of how they would feel.

I had no reason to complain and to be sad. It'll be too selfish of me to keep going in circles. It's so true, it's time to let it go, break the circle, and look forward. If I could do it all over again, I would do things differently.

This was what readjusting mean when someone mentioned it two years ago. I did not even bother.

It's time for revamp.

As for the other stuff, I really do not dare to think. But when I am ready, I correct myself, I will give, unconditionally. I will get hurt, but I only have this to tell myself- I have been through worse.

Fate

You started out as complete strangers. You cross path with strangers probably every day of your life.

Complete strangers to friends who will never wander far from your life.

That's the wonder of life. And that's fate.

you are so cruel..so so cruel..

A Fading Rainbow

A little not used to this way.

But I can start getting used to it because this was what I wanted.

I guess this is it, the end.

Connected in many ways, yet starkly different in more ways.

I could easily pinpoint the one who put a smile back on.

And nobody should say or think anything, because I know.

Never said I was a good person, but I needed somebody, and that was it.

Up

Yesterday I was sick and depressed. I wanted to give up on everything. Stop intern and be the most irresponsible person. My guardian angel showed up and I couldn't bear to disappoint. I am not a quitter and today things turned out just fine:)

Getting results for my lab work even though I screwed up at the very last part, dropping the glass into the bath, causing me to waste lots of hexane and also me work extra time for nothing.

The reason for me to work instead of chill is simply because I do not want to be left with my thoughts. You think I don't want rest. I want it so badly, but rest means being at home and having all sorts of thoughts haunt me. I'll be depressed. At least now the summer can fly by while I am busy and it doesn't feel terribly long.

I could finally sleep last night:)

I really hope you didn't lie.

So Small
Carrie Underwood

What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Tired..

Just when you were about to let go of some long-held dreams, along comes a guardian angel to remind you why you had such high hopes in the first place. So what to do? Give up or go on? Trust the voice within. There lies your answer.(Capricorn)
-The Star-

Guardian angel? Yeah right.

Voice within? I hate it. I'm taking a step back.

Sleepless nights for 3 nights now. Sighs.

Convo

Went to our uni's convo today. Can't help but feel a little envious. Everyone looked so happy! I am happy for them.

Next year's going to be great! FYP will be killing us but to have something like today awaiting after the torture is definitely worth it!

Bring it on..bring it on..excited again! =D

Shouldn't Have..

Really don't know if this decision was wise from the beginning..

I totally didn't see it coming.

I didn't move a bit and I feel I'm so fickle minded at times.

Should I take a step back? Or just stay on this spot?

I never believed in changing a person. And I still don't.

I could run but only on this spot, and not heading anywhere.

Fallen

I'm loving Colbie Caillat's Fallin for You! Makes you happy just listening to it :)

Shoo Shoo Shu

Four lessons at once. On a lovely Sunday. With another cute 'banana' and a wise old man who sings praises. In the fourth floor of a bungalow.

That was the start of my Chinese language journey.

I guess I had it in me all this while, I just need to improve on my vocab. He's right, without vocab I won't have words to string my sentences together. But it's nice, the class. Two hours just whooshed pass like that. I was so tired after coming back that I slept 14 hours straight! I guess I'll be looking forward to it every week from now =D

Three different ways to call three different types of oranges. That's new. I was struggling to pronounce shu (book). I just couldn't get it right! I wish there are 3 different ways of calling a book...

I guess I'll have to push korean aside for something more practical. But no complaints, I am happy learning it =)

*Tonight's sunset was damn beautiful! Sunsets in Broga every tue after Energy Management couldn't beat that.

Excitement

I am so excited! Over later, tomorrow lunch, next weekend, Singapore, next semester, this time next year, future! :D

Oh and tomorrow morning. It'll be the start of my journey with a language that's been tossed to the back of my head.

I'm Stronger Like That

There are the little things but they make you wanna cry & smile at the same time.

Zi Qian, my grandma said, came and asked to go upstairs cuz she wants look for Ah Mei Jie Jie! She told her I wasn't around. And Zi Qian asked: Where did she go...?

Loveliest

Was looking through my 2yrs+ baby cousin, zi qian's photos just uploaded on facebook by her mum.

She's the most adorable and smartest baby I have ever met. No baby deserves to be treated like a princess more than her. No terrible tantrums but just a lot of fun to be around.

Last week when I was over at my cousin's she came and to test her, I asked "who am i?" in mandarin.Without much difficulty, she shouts: Ah mei jie jie! That even though I only like meet her what once in a few months! You just can't not love her. She's the only one I can babble the little mandarin I know with because she wouldn't know when I speak wrongly!

My aunt also told us, when she showed our US photos to her and asked who that was in the picture with them, she went like: Ah mei jie jie! She has a lot of love to give.

She will grow up to be a fine lady no doubt.

No More

Deja vu. Suddenly all of it came surging back. I don't need no diary. I don't believe anymore.

My heart's closed because my expectations are insane.

I am not in for the constant wait for reply that comes like mood swings.

I am not in for the begging and then being told a thousand lame excuses.

I will take but I won't give until I know what I get is worth it.

Rainbows are beautiful but they fade away in a blink. I won't be mesmerized anymore.

I Wanna Watch!

Jodi Picoult is brilliant!

Saw the trailer of My Sister's Keeper on youtube and i liked it. It's been released in the US but I checked and looks like it's not coming to Malaysia. Gonna get it by all means:)

Here's more from the book:

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man or woman. She spent the rest of her time watching out so that her other stars wouldn't fall. She spent the rest of her time holding on to whatever scraps she had left.

(because the moon's bright and full tonight)

See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. And the very act of living is a tide: at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded.

Diary

How do you choose?

A diary which has your every secret, who has brought you from sadness to happiness. The diary into which you poured your heart but because it knows you inside out, it is dangerous when exposed. The diary was your companion when everything didn't seem to work. It boosted your confidence in many ways.

You felt relieved knowing that you could turn the pages to reflect on the good and bad times. But the diary became full and it no longer has space for you. Though it was owning that diary that took your mind away from haunting things, you were not sure if when you looked back some days from now, you would just laugh at yourself for being so naive.

The diary's full. Is it time for a new diary? A notebook which stands out on the shelf of the stationery store but is nevertheless so new and protected, with a sheet. You feel comfortable knowing that the notebook will be yours once you buy it. With care, it may just be a diary which serves a whole new chapter of your life. But now that you're a happier person, the diary would never understand the hell you went through, the times the old diary knows so well about and helped you fall out of.

Once you decide to buy the notebook, you'll need to be ready to get paper cuts, minor but still a cut, and turn the pages slowly because like all new things you would be extra cautious while using it. The new notebook will be filled with only happy moments because as you looked into the old diary you felt it is time you put a little cheer in your life and stop wallowing in self pity. But this way, when you looked back into the new diary, you would smile but you would forget that the one who listened to you cry was your old diary, your tears all dried up on it's pages.

But you are just not ready to own a new diary. One day, not today.

The Past Week

On many levels, I feel satisfied.

I don't dread week, working days. I look forward to weekends not to rest but to have something going on.

Working now is like doing CEL full time, with time abundance. The university is the guardian angel for students. Generous, protective, forgiving.

It's weird I never appreciated uni till now. I have never tried being in uni the whole day and still don't feel like being away. Is this a sign of post graduate studies for me? It's tempting but I have tossed the idea long ago and it still far from reach.

The technicians in the lab, they are the best. They are like at our disposal even though I am sure this wasn't in their job description.

Things do happen for a reason and it is for the better.

A Keeper

I feel a momentary pang for poor Ophelia. Take it from me: love has all the lasting permanence of a rainbow-beautiful while it's there, and just as likely to have disappeared by the time you blink.

How true.

It is so easy to think that the world revolves around you, but all you have to do is stare up at the sky to realize it isn't that way at all.

These are taken directly from My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. It's about a child seeking medical emancipation from being a donor to her sister who suffers from severe leukemia.

I bought the book years ago and now I am reading it a second time because it has been made into a movie and I can't wait for it to be out!

Flying

Read about jet lag and always thought that people feel it just cause they think they need to. But now I know it's real. At this time the past two weeks, we would be getting ready for dinner, or having dinner. Now my brains don't know if it's suppose to start up or shut down.

The flight home was life changing. Before take off, there were some technical problems and the plane was using back up power. This horrid question took over my mind: "what if power goes out mid flight?" All my plans seemed so small, so unnecessary at that moment. I secretly think I would never fly again if I do survive that flight. Bejeweled 2 helped me through. Landed safely in Stockholm and I laughed at my own reaction.

But there were another 12 hours to endure, on the same plane. Two hours before the captain announced descend, as I was happily enjoying He's Just Not That into You, he spoke of unfavorable conditions aka turbulence and I immediately thought about Air France. He also mentioned halt the serving of hot drinks. The plane shaked as it sliced through cloud after cloud. I experienced turbulence on the flight to Hong Kong but I thought planes for long haul would take it better. It was a crazy 22 hours of anguish, insomnia, and pure mind playing games.

I even thought: why not make flying safer? What's the use of life jacket if hypothermia would eventually kill us if we crash near Iceland. Then I thought of parachutes for passengers. Why not parachutes instead of or together with life jacket? At least there is a chance of survival if the plane was above land. Or the pilot could swerve the plane towards land for may day. Maybe it is the cost. With cheaper flights by airline companies, they wouldn't want more cost right? Then I thought, maybe I should work for a plane kit company to make parachutes cheaper. Then I can fly again.

The only comfort came from the meals served. Due to the time zones we passed, we did not know when was dinner, when was breakfast, we just ate whenever they serve cause they were good. Two hours into the flight from Stockholm they served lunch cause it was noon in Stockholm. About an hour and so before descend we were served breakfast cause the sun was only rising in Malaysia's sky. Dinner did not know when to fit in.

Talking about rising sun, as the plane was hovering above the Indian Ocean, I experienced for the first time sunrise view from the sky and it was heart warming, just nothing like it ever. We left New York just before mid night so looking out the window, I could see day light in the horizon, there were a hint of rainbow colors in dark hue. I could have enjoyed it more if not for the anxiety caused by the technical problems.

The flight going to US was smooth sailing and seemed quicker, probably cause I was excited. As the plane hovered above Turbekistan it was night out my window, but on the other side of the plane people was enjoying the sun. We checked the screen and true enough the plane's path was on the line between day and night. How cool.

Level 9 in Bejeweled 2 just before touch down. The whole time on the plane never beyond Level 6. I yearned for more time on board. The irony..

Parachutes please!

Travel

It's 8am here at Florida. Mixed feeling. Part of me don't want to leave this place because I had too much fun, the other part of me misses home. Part of me is sick of the food here, the other part of me is ADDICTED to the m. Hot dogs, corn dogs, burgers, fries, etc..that's all they have! The past few days were spent in Universal Studios Orlando. We spent the each of the first two days in the two parks and the third day running around both parks. Went on a couple of roller coasters, water rides and motion rides. We literally played till we dropped. The first day we ended up running out toward the shuttle stop to avoid missing the bus. The next two days, same thing.

Travelling with my aunt and uncle who have been to Chicago four times is a fun experience! No plans, no schedule. Like in Chicago, we just picked up a few brochures at the subway, looked at the map, hopped on the train and got off at Jackson (like KL sentral) without knowing or caring how far away the places we wanted to go was. After coffee at McD only did we find the nearest bus stop to check if there is any bus going there. If there isn't any we just strolled around till we find another stop. And in the midst we walked through beautiful parks, saw a myriad of dog species. Chihuahua, poodle, dachshund, retriever, labrador, all in one morning.

Great relaxed travel, ending tomorrow. Mixed feelings.

Borders Today

Just back to the motel from Borders at West Lafayete. Spent almost the whole day there reading a book, Skinny Bitch. It's so nice to sit down and just enjoy a good read your ears pampered by the soft background music in the book store. You feel free being in this part of the world. People treat you like you are one of them. No awkward stares. In fact, they don't think that you are not from around here. There was this guy who stopped his car, stuck his head out and asked me where the laundry mat was. Flying to Florida tomorrow! I have took it all in thus far, and it felt really good. It's one of the best holidays for me. View of Stockholm was expected from my seat window, beautiful. And I won't be bumming when I get back. Found something for me to do and I am grateful for the chance:)

Now what

Really what am I going to do this summer, after being back from US? I can't bum at home, I'll go crazy! I have several plans already but there are not income generating, but money demanding instead :( What will I do?

I believe that there's a time for everything. But once the time has passed, there is no use staring back and wishing you could turn back time. I missed several opportunities because of timing. And it was also the result of being indecisive. It's a bad habit I must throw away. But I could not promise someone when I have already promised someone else right? All I could do was wait and look where waiting has led me. Nothing but a reality knock on the door.

Speaking of bad habit, there's another one which I am not proud of. Tardiness. I am always late for things, even though I am prepared to come out early, even when the clock in my car is half an hour faster, but not for every event. It's like my mind could segregate between what's important and what's important too but not so important that my late arrival will be forgiven instantly.

It's like someone slammed the brake and life moves at a slow pace, like it's not moving at all. No consequences for procrastinating. In fact, nothing to procrastinate. Been going out almost every day since the last day of exams that I missed just sitting down at home and relaxing. Going out without the demon at the back of my head telling me I still have lots to do feels so good. So so good. But kinda sick of going out already la! Desperate for a job when I get back :( Again the demon comes out and says: who do you think you are? Nobody wants you. You have only touched the surface, what do you know! Stop dreaming la! I am so crushed.

There is a time for everything. This is not the time. I should probably just relax and enjoy my time in US. Swine flu is really swine flu after all. Pigs. Can't live with, can't live without. It's the media, we kept telling ourself. And it can be cured. Hope they are true and no one in our flight gets it. Or it's nightmare again..

Went to MPH and browsed through travel books. Beaches and parks in places I am going :D Land of huge everything. I think I'll feel tiny there and gain kilos back. Two more days!

Stockholm Here I Come

Going to US after all. And stopping by Stockholm! I can't wait to see the view there. I don't know how long we're allowed there but the fact that I'll be landing there feels like...........dreams come true. I want to take my time to take it all in. Elaine's flying today. Piggie flu stay far away from us please.

Didn't get any internships this year. Even though my confidence has all gone down the drain, my head feels lighter, alot lighter. I'll figure out what to do when I get back. I know I should go for chinese class but I'm more interested in korean. Then I can watch korean dramas without the subtitles.

Things I want to do this summer:

1. Learn korean.

2. Learn cooking from grandma. I wana try more difficult things like curry chicken :)

3. Catch up on novels. One book per week.

4. Watch all the movies that will be out. Three movies to watch on the 4th of June.

5. Do puzzles! There's one 950pcs puzzle from the World of Puzzle which I fell in love on first sight. I can't wait to start even though I haven't bought it yet.

6. Kacau my friends. Putrajaya, Melawati, Danau Kota

It's true, we don't need someone to rely on. It's all just habitual. I am perfectly fine this way. I am a complete whole person I don't need anyone to complete me. At least for now. I went through tough shits without anyone special by me, why is it any different now? In fact it's a whole lot easier now. Friends are more important. They don't leave you. I love them, absolutely love them!

:)

Happy now. Had the most wonderful time yesterday with the bunch. And Abby could finally make it. So happy to see her. Really. Abby if you see this, make your presence felt ok? It was only lunch and bowling but there were so much laughter.

The day before went out for Night at the Museum 2 with cousin and mom. One of the best movies I've watched in my life. Seriously.

Exams are over. Glad 3rd year's over. R&D was nightmare. No idea the whole time and I've never been so disappointed with myself. I am looking forward to next year but meanwhile I would like a good rest. A long good rest.

Things are getting better. After talking to my mum's friend, I think I know what I should do now. She said that my dad was contented just having me and my mum in his life. He was willing to sacrifice anything and both of us had made him really happy. And when I entered uni, I started to have a life of my own. I was independent and did not need his help that much.

And he started to feel lonely. That's when life became meaningless for him. I never thought of it that way. I had always thought that he wanted me to be independent. I got it all wrong. He wanted and hoped that I could be the little girl who watch a movie with him at home when I would interrupt him by asking him what the guy in the movie was doing and all, again and again but in the end he'd just doze off, leaving both of us clueless about what the story was all about. Or the time when he would bring me to Toys'R'Us every weekend and I got to choose at least two toys. I still have my cinderella barbie castle. Gave all my toys away but that one had to stay. It leaves too much memories to me.

A million times I have said this but I will make sure it happens. I will never take those close to me for granted. I'll never know when I'll lose someone dear again but before it happens, I would like to create good memories with them.

CPD

what's going on in CPD? All that information! So alien, so terrifying to me. Are those stuff what a chemist would study? Lucky I didn't take chemistry, or it's CPD my whole life! yucks.

yucks yucks yucks.

why why why mei fang did u start studying it only now? why..

The Call

Received a call this morning while having brunch with mum! I am all fired up again. I want to learn, I want to achieve more!

Lots of doubts but mum said that I must have confidence in myself. I want to be ready to take up the expectations of the caller!

A Giant Leap

She knows perfectly well what she wants. About a year and a half ago she made a promise to herself. She shall keep to the promise. She is on the right track and there is only one final leap to take, though the leaps that she took paled in comparison.

Just one more leap.

She needs all the support that she can get. And thankfully, she has learnt to see who is real and who is not. Hopes and dreams. That's the meaning of her life. Clinging on to that makes her alive.

She is a happier person recently. Embracing new things, letting people in, sticking to what she believes in, embracing knowledge and most importantly, being herself are all her leaps so far.

Thankful to have crossed path with people sharing the same dreams although walking different paths. She knows they will always be there. She just needs to seek and embrace.

zero

My brains are a puddle of wet cotton nowadays. So mushy so concentrated with god knows what till i am stuck at msn till the wee hours of the morning and did nothing. Just to come up with 15 frigging ideas i sat till 2.30am. And cuz they were frigging breakfast bars. Imagine asking me to brainstorm about some technical stuff. I'll end up with probably 1 or 2.

What It Means to Me

Earth Hour 2009
didn't mean anything
then it meant something
now i want to sleep through it...

The Best Actor

The world is a stage
like actors, we have come under
the lens of an unforgiving audience,
we have no time to ponder
why we act against our conscience,
just to give that shining spendour.

Switching roles once in awhile,
we survive on each's praise.
Meeting strangers we later call pal,
together we get into the maze,
uncertain if it's all worthwhile.

The best actor
would be the one with no remorse
of all the rumours tossed.
And no matter who the spectator,
he keep going at full force.

The Dot Down South

I am enjoying every minute of the holidays! Feel like a heavy weight is lifted off of me :)

I found someone who hates facebook during my trip to Singapore. I remember being like him. Why must have facebook? What's the big deal? It's so funny because I enjoyed pestering him to have a facebook account and seeing the look on his face. "Why don't you have facebook? The whole world has one!" He just replied a million times "I just don't have." He sounded so adamant not to ever have one like it's some kind of contagious disease.

The trip was an eye opener for me. Now I realize living and working in Singapore is not so ideal after all. With a free MRT pass, one would expect to be delighted to go different places and there won't be enough time to go to all. But guess what, we didn't fully utilize it because we got from one place to another by foot. The fellas from NUS brought us to a bus station to take the bus from Fullerton Hotel to Clarke Quay. But after staring at the bus trail and not knowing which ROAD we are supposed to be headed to, I resorted to asking the locals. Turns out there isn't any bus going to Clarke Quay from there. We thought by this it means we gotta walk back to the City Hall MRT station which is all the way back from Esplanade down the looong tunnel. But no. He told us, just walk through to the back of Fullerton and we will see a couple of bridges and we would get to Boat Quay. And right beside Boat Quay is Clarke Quay. He told us it was going to be a 10 minute walk. After walking about 20 minutes (probably due to our speed plus taking photographs at the bridges) we got to Clarke Quay. Only then I realized that Singapore is really small. Shopping places are all centered at Orchard Road, and there was a literally human traffic going from one mall to another. And because Chinese New Year is near, it was as if the whole Singapore was out. We felt suffocated. Hopping out the bus at KL Sentral, I felt I could finally breathe! But after getting stuck at KTM station at KL Sentral, I was having trouble breathing again. The difference was so clear. Malaysia is what you would call 'noob' when it comes to public transportations. I don't miss driving but I don't miss having to wait for the 3rd train, which is less crowded but still crowded anyways, just to get home either.

But Singapore is homely. We felt totally at home because no one could tell we were not locals. The people may have the kiasu title but personally I think they are warm. They don't give you the look when you ask for directions. Twice I asked. First was for the nearest MRT to Esplanade because those NUS fellas refused to tell! And both times I got exact information with a smile. And the direction given to go to Clarke Quay by the man was so in detail we had to keep nodding to indicate we got the picture. They are so civilised.

Would I work in Singapore? Yes. Would I live in Singapore? No. I think. Let's see if the KTM improves in the next 12 months.

Thank you

To someone we love, cherish and admire,
and who means the world to us all,
there is nothing more we desire,
than to see you rise from any fall,
smile and be healthy for time entire!

Indeed a great night!

May be little gestures,

but look what they beget,

a day she'll never forget.

big sigh

i admire those who go on the road less travelled and still do fine in life, unlike me who still chose to do MEng despite having gone through tough exam times like these! it's just horrible. still have to endure 3 more exams like this one, or worst, before i can celebrate new year's eve without guilt! one year is less tough than the next. why don't i just go audition for air stewardess and fly all around the world until 30 and meet a handsome young pilot and fly around the world for the rest of my life! i know why. i know limited languages. i can't even speak my own mother tongue properly. despite growing up in hokkien speaking family, sadly i can't speak hokkien. my cousin is like only what, in form 4 and she watches japanese anime without subtitle! she even subs them. and she's exposed to french in school.

yeah i like what i am studying but it's taking a toll on me. they tell me nothing is easy but i never thought that it would be this tough. i remember i used to love literature back in high school. i loved the poems. sonnet 18 and macbeth. and the road not taken! it wasn't just additional subject to me. i really enjoyed literature class. the littl red book i remember being so engrossed into everytime i read it. i also enjoyed english. i liked writing narratives. i look forward to getting back my essay and hear what the teacher had to say. heck i even liked karangan. and what's literature in bm again? err..i loved the short stories and also concerto terakhir! i think it was a beautifully written book. and also the story about the lembu who was about to be slaughtered alive during haji! i liked how the author described the cow's feelings. i wanted to pursue journalism but i did not have the guts and i chose the more stable road, being inspired by my chemistry teacher who said she chose teaching because though by designing plants she was highly paid, she was always stressed out. look what i have gotten myself into- uncertainty about whether i would make a good engineer, always doubting my brains. others in class seem to think faster than me. i always have to go back to notes. in real life how to go back to notes?? i read so much lesser nowadays. it's always lecture notes.

i wonder really what if i had taken the road less travelled?

mcs tomorrow. more nervous about reactor design on saturday. paper on a saturday! and i dread studying safety engineering. it's so boring and i have bad memory.

the new year

why is reactor design so hard?! benamor better give all in SI units!

it's Jan 2009 already. another year has gone by. had lots of regrets the past year. so my new year resolution is to look back at 2009 and know that i have done all i could and there are no room for regrets! this year i will do what i want to do, love more sincerely and get out of my comfort zone.

this study break has been the most relaxing for me. (explains why i am freaking out now) but i wouldn't exchange it for anything. did so many things that i would not do in the past when exams are so near. there isn't a single pimple on my forehead. so much love last christmas and on my birthday. lots of surprises and most of them i really did not expect.

few more days to go. i want to slack! i don't want to do past year papers cuz yeah i'll still get by fine :D i think. singapore singapore here i come again. looking forward to 16th Jan now.

be safe

all i want for christmas is for everyone important to me to be safe. so much shits happened lately. and they happened without warning. like the landslide in Bukit Antarabangsa. it happened a walking distance away from my cousin's place and my heart was pounding like mad when i got a call from my cousin telling me that there were 12 ambulances outside.

then there is the senseless killing near campus. how could anyone let that happen? someone had to die because you did not look before taking a life. that's scary. it was just another news for us because we did not know him personally, but to his family and friends i am sure they are still shocked with it. to think that we have eaten in forest bar before. we may have witnessed it and be traumatised for life, if we had chosen to eat there at that time.

it really is time the time of the year to reflect. throw me anything. people talking. exams. deadlines. just make sure my family and friends are safe and i'll be fine.

Smiling Down at Us

If you did not catch it, here it is. Those are not just some stars in the sky. They are Venus and Jupiter!

??

I don't want to do anything! Nothing I do is right. What am I doing again? What I am suppose to finish in two weeks? I know but I can't get down to doing it well. I could not care less anymore and I hate it when this happens.

Lab from 9am-7pm today. So exhausted. What do I need to do now? What time management do I need? I really have no idea.

What am I doing??

Glad

Nothing has been going right but wrong lately.

I look forward to many things even as I could not get anywhere with CEL. I was glad I could call a friend up and tell how I feel and I would feel better. I am glad even as I appeared offline I got a nudge asking how I was holding up. I am glad to have friends to watch Madagascar 2 with and laugh till my jaws hurt. I am glad to have lecturers watching my back, being concerned about my life even as I am one in probably hundreds of students they see everyday. I am glad to have friends who drag me out for ice-cream when I was exhausted from looking for journals. I am glad to have someone calling me every week to give me great advice and help me be a better person. And who gave me all the Ho Chiak! links before I prance around Malacca for good food. And friends who made sure I found my layer cheesecake and crazy enough to pick all the flavors that I want so I could try all before leaving Malacca. I am glad to have a cool mum whom I am watching "My Best Friend's Girl" with tomorrow and did I mention, who bowls way better than me. And a way cooler grandma who made wax out of candle for my friends and I to fly a giant lantern a year back. And till today it never cease to amaze me that the lantern lifted off and shot for the sky.

I am glad to have my cousin who looks forward to seeing me and telling me all about the cute guys in Prince of Tennis the Musical. And who would wait for me till I am back from a party just to play Rockband with me, albeit till the wee hours, forming a band called Cream and Choc because my character was a Black and hers a white chick. And wake up before her normal waking time just to brainstorm on breakfast place and end up 'directing' me to Great Eastern Mall to eat the best sandwich I have eaten in my life, O Briens. And who would make me run around the mall in my heels to look for a place for brunch after the sandwich while my mum and grandma stay on the groundfloor waiting for good news. And whom we would shout down from all the way up to deliver the news but didn't hear anyway, making us run back down while she tell me how she could not understand why her teacher said evaporation is a cooling process. And whom I am going shopping with in 1U come Dec right after I hand in my R&D crap. And whose new indoor puppy from the SPCA I can't wait to see!!

I liked a quote someone used lately: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. How true. I am glad I have all this people around me as without them I would not have come this far this soon.

The Start of Yr 3

Week 4 already.

And I have felt like giving up so many times. Just leave everything and don't care about anything. It always seem that no one can help. We are alone in most of the time. I have decided to take it easy, stop pressuring myself. Focus on the things I can do. Deal with things one at a time.

And I want to go to Melaka on Monday no matter what happens! I want to eat my layer cheesecake and tapau a few pieces back. I want to find the pineapple tarts and the tau sa pheah. I want to eat the cendol. I want try satay celup. Let food carry all my worries away.

Turns out my R&D project will be fun! Looking at the other group doing the title I wanted, I can't help but feel extremely envious. I could do so much more. I was willing to sacrifice my time if given that topic. I don't care who I'll get for my group or even how lenient or not the supervisor is. But life is like that, it doesn't give you what you want. Even if it was a difficult supervisor I wouldn't mind too because I want to do it. But noo it has to be this way. Good la, I have more time for myself to go to Melaka. Look at DOE website. Wait for Remy to call the people for the air equipment and start next semester. Just nice.

One more thing, I am growing kiasu-phobic. The atmosphere in and around uni especially among chem engineers, you wouldn't want to be in. Kiasuism at its heights. Suffocates me.

Shut out and focus on what I can do, one step at a time.

Stuff

I lied awake in bed from dusk till dawn, sensing every change in color of the sky, thinking the whole time. I am brought back to the time during the semester when my brain just refused to shut down. These are the things that kept going in circles in my mind:

Things I will TRY not to do this coming semester:
1) Rush. The past 2 years it has been rush this rush that, rush here rush there. I had so many things on hand that I always felt the waking hours were never enough for me. And I am the sort of person who would not, or rather could not stay up on coffee to finish a report or assignments, I always leave the worry for the next day, which always brought me to the next point-

2) Skip class. I have not been attending alot of lectures. Those are the subjects I got the highest grade among all my modules but till now, I have no idea of what they are all about. Example being biotech. I skipped because of the lecturer. Because of the lecturer, I lost interest in the module. Dr Dominic even caught me skipping CPE a few times. Once he asked, "Why skip? Because of the lecturer or the subject?" I told him straight "The lecturer. Can't understand what he is teaching." He said, "Oh CPE important you know, but nevermind chemical engineers always end up not understanding thermodynamics." I always wonder what if I had entered and paid attention to those lectures, would I have more lasting knowledge now. Probably not. But like everyone said, they still cost money. Not attending is like throwing money away.

3) Be low self-esteemed. Year 2 I lost myself and was drained of confidence. In year 1 the one thing that I took pride in having was my confidence. It made my juggle between studies, play and societies smooth sailing and fun. Year 2 all I remembered was studies and duties. The rest was just fillers to past time. I want the year1 in me to be back. And to do that, I have to stop thinking and caring about what others think about me. I need to smile.

Lastly I want to get my priorities straight. Being around my high school friends alot during the past two months, I realized they are more focused. Already working, already completing ACCA, already going for job interview, already deciding where to apply to after graduation in a few months time, already interning in big fours and here I am being affected by what others think about my personal life? Life's short. I have a dream to catch.

i had a dream..

A nightmare actually! Last night, I dreamt that a malay guy was crazily obsessed with me. He even proposed marriage to me, before another guy, his boss I think could do it. And to get rid of him without stepping on his tail, I contemplated on stuffing myself with food so I become a fat girl and he would lose interest in me automatically! I was so excited at the thought because this mission allows me to eat all the food I normally try to eat little. I think of pizza, Burger King (i wish to eat a whole burger now), char kuey teow..How can I have this kind of dream?!

ohana

they are the ones who catch me when i fall
they are the ones who laugh and cry with me
they are the ones who hold the key
to the door through which i learn to crawl

they are the ones who can make me eat
till my guts hurt and i would still eat
because those are the moments i want to keep
they are the things that never leave

disgusted by family day i was
but that was because i did not pause
to realize i have one too myself
one they thrust me their whole self

they say it

just by being there

when we meet

the world becomes fair

this fragile heart

they try and try to mend

cookies and tart

the comfort food we send

comforting indeed

now just what i need

and always..

Words

Graduation. Distant yet near. Everyone seems to be graduating and meeting yet another crossroad in their life. I can already imagine myself being in their shoes. Scary but I still crave for it like I crave for cakes sometimes! I want the challenge. The next two years will fly past and before I can catch my breath, this entry will be at the back of my head, but probably just a little scroll down the entry you'll be reading, looking at how scarcely i update :}

Look at the bright side. Think positively.

Education is the best thing I have now. It'll set me free. He'll be so proud of me.

My smile is my best asset. Smile.

Just this afternoon I was dead. Those powerful words revived me. I'll wake up to a bright sunny day and this afternoon will be at the back of my head. Or better, out of it.

The word UiTM makes me want to puke. Like always, we shall just keep quiet and make silent resolutions.

Perceptions

Suddenly I feel like blogging. I feel empty inside. But just this morning I feel moody, then anticipatory, shocked, happy, proud, and full of admiration. I sense PMS. Why do ladies have to go through this every month?

It's been such a long holiday. By long I don't mean period wise but as in da things that have happened. I found that perceptions can change drastically. My perceptions to the people in the office have taken 180-360 degrees change. Because of things they say. And they change constantly.

But safe to say they are leaving a good mark in my mind, not a bad 1. Exhibit A: My supervisor. He was quite demanding in our work. Like he only gave minimum explainations and expect us to know everything. Or like he is a know-it-all. But soon my perception of him took a turn. Looking back he really had our back when we met with this office 'politic'. He patiently told us to have patience and gave us good advice. Then today during evaluation with Dr Chin, he said we were fast learners. Just what I was looking for. Appreciation.

Exhibit B: HR lady. She's the cruella de vil. Enough said. Over the phone when she told me they are accepting me as a trainee, she sounded so profesional and her English was pretty good. She sounded so keen. She made me feel enthusiastic about interning there. But beginning of second month there, her true colors shone. Always judging, never getting to know us. I lost respect towards her. Because of her, I am disappointed with the company.

Exhibit C: The big boss. The owner. The designer. The man in the company. First impression. A boss who is a complete opposite from my last. Stuck up, money-minded, discriminating. He was always saying how university graduates these days are too 'dumb', easiest to put it. Only know formulas but don't know how to apply them in difficult situations. He was like dissing lecturers even. Yesterday though he told the new girl, a fresh graduate that though me and yy are trainees, he gets good comments from others in the office. He said this means they are good. He turned to me and said I duno your name but everyone say u guys are good. Wow I was stunned there. Well my perception on him didn't change much but I feel good that others in the company like us.

Exhibit D: Dr Chin from Uni. He's the man! First day of work I remember we travelled to uni to get the log book from him. He was like malas to layan us so much. But after the 'experience', I feel so proud to have a lecturer like him. And I feel Nottingham is lucky to have him. He showed true concern for the welfare of his students. He immediately called when he got my email about my seeking his advise bout the politics. It was so funny, he was so afraid there was 'sexual harassment' or something along that line and so he needed to get involved immediately. He made us keep him updated about the situation and gave sound advise too. I felt like back in high school. I feel protected. He told my supervisor "take care of my students" before he left. That's a lasting impression I don't want to change.

This is all too much. I am ready for more!

The next postcard came. This time with a dvd attached of beautiful Scotland :) Thanks. Happiness :)

Ignorance is Not Necessarily Bliss

Stumbled upon this while looking for further explanations about the microwave incident: (we really could have burnt the company down!) LOLs

A Happy Saturday

Today was supposed to be half day work. But guess what, it became half day trip! Our supervisor suddenly became so nice (or lazy..hehe), he asked us if we wanted to visit another plant. Bigger 1 this time. All our drawings came to live! What you see on the drafts is what you get. :)

Then then, he brought us to eat cendol nearby. Actually not his idea but another colleague's. Sat under the tree and ate cendol. I suddenly realize working in a smaller company is not always bad. Less stress, more friendly people. Everyone feels at home. I bet in a giant company, they don't treat the trainees cendol. Like when in high school and when in uni. In high school, though classes were back to back, we, or at least I didn't dread them. But in uni, the environment is so tensed making the lectures so unbearable.

I have sort of decided to buy Nokia 2600 classic after browsing online. With my budget, I have to make a compromise between memory space and FM radio. Nokia is always 'aunty-friendly' compared to SE (according to YY). This makes that model my first choice. It has Bluetooth, but only 10MB of internal memory. Ok then I think, what's the use of bluetooth if you can only keep 1 (and a half) mp3? So I went and found this SE phone K510 which has higher memory but it doesn't have radio and from the comments in the website, the battery life is low. So then I think, well my mum since my mum doesn't download songs, the Bluetooth can be used to transfer pictures from my phone to hers. Then when she's out, she can listen to the radio. I hope I am making the right choice. :)

Sparks!

Adjusting and readjusting our plant and midway finding out that we did some mistakes in previous calculations for quotations. That's what we have been doing for two weeks! And today the computer crash again, and we are still in the dark as to whether we saved our autocad drawing-one which we painstakingly put together the whole morning. We are so fed up we just left all that needs amendments for tomorrow. So if it wasn't saved, we would have to 'offset' this, 'move' that, 'trim' this, 'extend' that all over again.

Despite all that, we still find our own funs. Like today, we caused 'sparks' in the microwave oven in the pantry. Nobody ever told me we cannot put aluminium foil in the microwave oven. Haha some chemical engineer I am. We wrapped our pizzas in the foil, put them in the oven and turned to 'medium'. Suddenly we saw blue sparks, like flash from a camera, only it's blue. Immediately we turned it off. Then tried again, thinking the flahes are signs that the pizza is cooking. This time bigger sparks. Nope we didn't burn the company down. A middle age lady, our collegue tried 'low'-sparks. We kept laughing at her shocked face. Then she told us we are not supposed to put in anything metal in the oven. MEMALUKAN. How could I have never known this?

There's this judgemental guy in the office. I can't stand him. He interrogated us during our precious lunch time about our 'ideas' to save the world cuz we are young and according to him, as engineers we are supposed to be thinking bout that instead of just our pockets! We know what he's thinking. "Two interns driving nicer cars than the supervisor, the company is like a playground to them." He dare asked me why do I need such a big car. I replied with "Ada banyak perkare bukan kita yang putuskan". He kept quiet for awhile and continued lecturing us. And he said judging by our looks, we do not have the quality to 'cipta' but only 'suruh buat apa buat saja'. How can anyone pass judgement like this? He saw us using Autocad, he said it's so easy even kindergarten kids can use it. -_-

Anyways that's just one person. The others are actually quite nice. We don't feel any major pressure working there. We go at our own pace and can really learn. Can't wait for gaji time. I am going to surprise my mum with a new hand phone cuz hers is hopeless. Going phone hunting one of these days. I am so excited!